Marketing: ridiculous headlines in press releases

"Polo Ralph Lauren Announces the Launch of E-Commerce in the UK."

It might surprise this parochial American (whose main USP appears to be to produce a pastiche of an English Gentleman's Club and sell a faux version of imaginary Club clothing to his gullible countrymen) that a) a Polo in English is a pullover with a neck that rolls up and b) we in the UK have had e-commerce for, like, DECADES! (see what we did there? We faked an American mode of speech - and its associated exaggeration.)

"Get Ready for Frankenstein to Ring Your Doorbell"

Why? And why would we care enough to open the PREL? We didn't.

"Recruiting in the Brave New World: Bersin & Associates Empowers Members to Capitalize on Radical Changes in Talent Acquisition"

Three of our editorial staff died of old age before they reached the end of this headline. And the one that finished it has no idea what it's trying to say to him. Deleted unread.

"CarWoo.com Transforms Car Buying; The Best Way To Buy A New Car Online!"

Far too gushing. And anyway, it's supposed to be a PREL not an advert. For heaven's sake, inform us, don't expect us to read a claim that anything is the best of anything. Just not going to happen. Electronically spiked i.e. deleted unread.

"The Law Office of Ronn Bisbee Collects $600,000.00 for 81 Year Old Client."

What, go to the ATM for him, did you?

"Demandbase Unveils New Web Service to Dramatically Decrease Web Site Abandonment and Increase Online Conversion Rates"

This should be in the "good" part of this list, except for too many capital letters and the use of an adjective. But for some reason, it just doesn't work. Perhaps its the term "web site abandonment." Makes us think of a baby in a waste-bin. As a web business, we should want to read it for our own benefit. We didn't. So we didn't report on it, either.

"Houston Law Firm Vujasinovic & Beckcom Recognized for Verdict Obtained in Truck Accident Lawsuit"

Er... someone stopped you in the street and said "I recognise you?" It's a non-specific press-release headline. And yes, that's about as desirable as those other non-specific things we used to talk about in the 1970s before STDs all got snazzy initialised names.

So what good ones did we see today?

"IBM Acquires PSS Systems"

Perfect - except that "acquires" doesn't need capitals: it's a PREL not a book title. It's short. It tells us who and what. We can work out the "why" for ourselves and the "when" is implied by the release date. It's exactly what we need.

Other excellent headlines (which means the PREL stands a chance of being read, at least by our overworked and picky staff) - subject, again, to the caveat that it is bad practice to capitalise every word in a headline - it makes them difficult to read and that discourages overworked and picky staff from bothering - particularly as they have to take all the otiose capitals out before they can use the headline.)

"AREA Property Partners Appoints Keith Kooper as General Counsel"

"Cheviot Financial Corp. to Acquire First Franklin Corporation"

"Peter B. Pope Joins Jenner & Block as a Partner in New York"

"AccuData Launches AccuBaseE(TM) - Manage and Measure Online Campaigns"

Short, to the point, no adjectives and no "sales pitch." Nice.