conversazioni fittizie: Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence

I feel I have no choice but to write to you to tell you that I have been unfaithful.

I have long professed my love for you, telling people that I would never leave you. But underneath, I have been carrying on a secret dalliance. In fact, Prudence, whilst expressing my undying devotion, I have been utterly besotted with Profligacy.

I pledged to you that I would not turn the UK economy into a debt-ridden example of high-spending socialism. And because I kept telling everyone how important to me you were, I was able to convince them that I was being good.

But for the past ten years, I have – as Chancellor of the Exchequer and now as Prime Minister with direct control over the Treasury – actually been spending more and more money for less and less benefit to the public at large.

In the past few weeks, I have hocked the tax revenues for the foreseeable future.

In fact, I have committed more than 50% of the nation's GDP to support the financial sector – because in the past decade we have presided over an economy in which we have perceived “value added” as more useful than actually making something. We have created a service economy without realising that there is nothing to service.

I have presided over a huge increase in taxes. And today, I have arranged for the little Darling that sits next to me in Parliament to fake tax cuts whilst actually increasing taxes for the UK population for ever.

I am now anxious to spend more money but I've already screwed most of the UK population to the point where they are on the verge of rebellion if add yet more taxes. In fact, we were close to rebellion earlier this year. But we've found a way of pretending and with luck that secret will not be found out anytime soon.

But now, Prudence, the bad news is that my secret about my fidelity to you is out. What was rumour has now become widespread knowledge. I am a tax and spend socialist – and now I'm also being a traditional socialist borrower. In fact, I will borrow more than any UK government has borrowed ever before. And I will spend it on the old fashioned socialist ideals of buying votes from people who come cheap.

So, Prudence, I have been unfaithful. All the time I made you think I was yours, I had a mistress that is now my paramour. I must officially leave you, having been pretending for so long.

So now it's time: I am leaving you and devoting myself to Profligacy. I will borrow, tax and spend and I hope that everyone in the UK follows my lead. Yes, we want the nation to stop saving and spend. I know we have been telling people they must take care to provide their own pensions, but we have to get them to spend that money instead of saving it or else we will not be able to be elected next year. I will try something really clever as a last ditch veneer – I will make a way for the government to give a bonus to savers – but target it to those who have no money to save so it will look good but cost us nothing.

In short, Prudence, I need to buy votes – but I need to do it with the voters' own money.

Yours, with a total lack of humility for the harm I have caused your reputation

Gordon Brown

First President of the United Kingdom

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conversazioni fittizie is a collection of conversations that never took place, so far as we know.

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